Should Newlyweds Go to Couples Counseling?

Want to hear something crazy?

I am going to offer gift cards for couples therapy. 

Call it what you want, I offer it all, gift cards for everything: in-person couples therapy, virtual couples therapy, premarital counseling, newlywed counseling.

What if couples could even put marital therapy on their wedding or baby shower registries, wouldn’t that be cool?

OK, here’s the hook: “Are you having trouble coming up with a wedding gift idea for that new couple in your life? How about treating them to a few hours of couples therapy?”

Couples therapy as a wedding gift? I know, it’s like telling the new couple - “Here’s some therapy, you’re obviously going to need it.” 

That’s one perspective but take a minute with me because there’s a lot more depth and wisdom here than immediately meets the eye.

First, think about the course of your long term relationship(s), I’m talking 10+ years. 

Which years were the hardest? Most people say that the first 5 years of their relationship were the most challenging with the most conflict and the most existential doubt, i.e “Should I really be in this relationship?” 

This is important and having a therapist to help couples navigate this first stage of a long term relationship is a big deal but the next reason is even more important, especially from the eyes of a seasoned couples therapist.

Play-Doh

Doing couples therapy early in the relationship versus later is like the difference between playing with new and old Play-doh. 

The beginning of a relationship is similar to an infant’s brain, very malleable and beautifully designed to take in a whole bunch of new information. At the beginning of life a baby is learning everything for the first time, it is fully open and highly associative. And as time goes on the brain slowly starts to optimize and it naturally culls information and neurons it doesn’t need. 

In the beginning of a relationship a couple is learning how to live with each other, creating the bases of new patterns of life. From the mundane to the sacred we are figuring out how to live together. This is an exciting and also challenging period. As time goes on those patterns begin to solidify. In some ways this is good for, like a baby’s brain, the culling and patterns help make life more efficient. However, in some ways this can also cause difficulty because once dysfunctional and destructive behaviors become a pattern then the hurt becomes repetitive and cumulative. It also means that the patterns get harder to change.

The Pattern

Humans, like most organisms, learn to adapt to pain, especially emotional pain. If one member of the relationship has a pattern of engaging in a way that causes pain, the other member in the relationship will adapt in a way to minimize that pain.

That might sound encouraging except for the fact that we minimize pain by disconnecting from the source of that pain. This phenomenon extends into a pattern of one person causing pain and the other person moving away physically and emotionally from the source of that pain. This results in both partners in the relationship being lonely and disconnected. 

Unfortunately it gets even worse. 

Often, the partner actively causing pain is doing so because in some world they are trying to get some connection, love, or attention. Think of a baby crying - crying babies are annoying as hell but we respond to them quickly. The more the partner causing pain does so in an attempt to make connection, the more the other partner disconnects, and the more they both feel so alone in life. 

Now imagine 20+ years of this. 

If your heart hurts just thinking about this then you’re in good company because mine hurts too.

The relationship secret couples have forgotten

I know a secret that many couples who have been together for a long time have forgotten. The secret is that they both really want love from each other and they both want to give love to each other but they’ve forgotten that reality in the midst of all the pain. In my role doing couples counseling I have the honor, challenge, and responsibility of holding that secret and gently reminding them repeatedly and in different ways, until they remember it and take the torch from me. 

Couples who are in the beginning few years of their relationships haven’t forgotten this basic reality yet and are more open and able to reposition themselves and engage in patterns that more effectively help each of them get the love they want and need from each other.

I enjoy doing therapy with couples who have been together for a long time. It lights me up when I can help a couple remember that they want to give and receive love from each other and begin to take the risks to turn towards one another to give and get the nourishment they need. This work takes time, it’s intense, and it’s beautifully deep. It is such an honor and privilege. I said it’s like playing with old Play-doh and I want to clarify something. Yes, the patterns have hardened and that takes more time and energy to work with, but in seasoned relationships there is a depth and a commitment that is uniquely compelling and a pleasure to work with.

I also enjoy doing relationship counseling with newer couples. I have so much fun helping couples reshape their dysfunctional patterns and watching them discover that this relationship thing is actually pretty beautiful. The doubts these couples have suddenly melt away as they realize that they are actually capable of substantive change that can happen relatively quickly.

Why wait for a crisis?

We do a lot of pre-emptive work in our lives: we exercise a couple times a week to stave off health problems, we go to the dentist twice a year to prevent cavities, and we religiously take our cars in for oil changes and the dealer-recommended preventative maintenance. Somehow we've decided relationships should be the one important part of life that deserves professional attention only after things fall apart.

The couples therapy gift card doesn’t seem like such a bad idea after all, now, does it?

Frequently Asked Questions About Couples Therapy

Q: What if my relationship is fine, should I still go to couples therapy?

A: Couples therapists have a developed sensitivity to be able to see patterns before they become problems. Coming to couples therapy doesn’t mean there is a problem anymore than preventative maintenance means your car has a problem. It’s a way of catching problems before they happen

Q: Is my relationship beyond hope?

A: It’s a question I hear a lot. It’s a question only you can answer but a couples therapist can help both of you get a lot more clarity on the question. I absolutely recommend that couples who are struggling in their relationships see a couples therapist before splitting up or getting divorced. You owe it to yourselves and each other.

Q: Should newlyweds or newly partnered folks go to couples therapy?

A: Of course. There’s so much you can learn about each other and your relationship that will enhance and strengthen your connection. Do it!